The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
