The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize