everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
