There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
