I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
