Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
