Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
