so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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