You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
