I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
