The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
