My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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