My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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