So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
