Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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