my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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