whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
