Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
