I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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