He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
