I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
