So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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