I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
