I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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