I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
