Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
