no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
