well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
