My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
