just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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