I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
