Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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