i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
