So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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