Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Who died my cat blue again?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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