i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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