Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
