You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
