I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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