my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
