what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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