If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
