Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
