Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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