I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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