spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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