That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
