Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
