I accidentally had phone sex last night
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
