If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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