I cannot find my penis.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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