I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize