i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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