I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
