I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
