Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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