girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
