How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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