Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
