Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
