the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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